7 Years Since My Separation

Growing through my experiences

I remember New Year’s Eve 7 years ago distinctly – December 31^st, 2008. It was the last day of an already very eventful year, which included my sister’s horseback riding accident, water damage in my kitchen, and my suffering anaphylactic shock during an iron infusion (it was my second near death experience in my life) – then came the stock market crash and banks collapsing. The year ended with my husband telling me that he wanted to move out.

Yes, 2008 was quite eventful for me, and 2009 started with our separation.

Renewed

Wayne Dyer spoke about the renewal of cells. In one of his courses, he mentioned that every cell of a person’s body is completely renewed every 7 years. This continuous cycle is amazing, and I love how our body works.

This means that I am a completely new version of myself these days. I have all new cells in my body, and not ONE of my current cells was with me when I was still living with my ex-husband.

Isn’t that awesome? It feels very liberating to me.

I am renewed, all over. For me, this is a time to celebrate. I cheer to my new self, or shall I say New Old Self.

Am I more the person I used to be, before my marriage? Am I closer to being my true self now? Am I able to fulfill my purpose, to do the work I came her to do? Am I happy? Joyful? Loving?

Let me share some of my experiences during the last 7 years:

(Let’s name my Ex Lothar, which is not his real name, but it makes for smoother reading ;-) )

Trusting the lies

I knew for a couple of weeks that something was off in my marriage. Yes, Lothar worked for a bank and it was a stressful time, to say the least. As always, I was the understanding and dutiful wife, keeping house and kids out of his hair. Still, something was off.

When I could not take it any longer, I asked him what was the matter. He sent me an email (so much for communication), that it had nothing to do with me, but he needed to live on his own for a while.

When he got home, he explained to me that he’d never lived on his own. He went from his parent’s house to his first wife. Then he lived with his girlfriend, and as soon as that was over and he found a flat on his own, I showed up.

He felt he needed time to himself and a place for himself, never mind his family and three kids: Mathew, who was nearly 12; Catherine, age 8; and Horatio, 5.

You know what? I believed him. He was always a bit of a loner, and me being a sensitive Earth Angel who really understood and sensed his feelings.

Let me remind you, though, that it is very much ok to be trusting. Trust is a basic need of humans, and there is nothing wrong with trusting others. However, learn to listen to your own gut and feel whether a person is trustworthy or not. Also, embrace the lessons on your path.

Timing

Of course, he wanted to just keep on going at home till he had found a flat of his own. He said he would start looking.

I, however, realised, that it was not a “let’s figure this out together” kind of situation. This was a fait accompli and he was going to move out, no matter what.

This did NOT sit right with me. If he wanted to move, he should leave right away, as I was done pretending (yes, that too!) and I was not going to play ‘happy couple’ in front of my kids. If there was going to be a split up, then I wanted to get it done and over with.

Looking back, I realized that this was my first touch with my inner strength again. I stood up for myself. I did not let him dictate my life or this separation on his whims.

He, of course, was flabbergasted, as he probably hoped he could just keep going. He told me he had no apartment to live in. I told him that there were probably enough furnished flats to rent in Zurich, and he should start looking.

No. He was definitely not staying and pretending – no matter what – not with me.

As my oldest’s birthday was coming up, and Lothar was flying to London for a business trip, I set that as his move out day. When he came back from London, he could go to a rented furnished flat.

Looking back, maybe it was not such a fabulous idea to correlate Mathew’s 12th birthday with the separation of his parents.

Never mind that we’d told the kids (yes I was brain dead at that time!) that he was just too tired from driving to and back to work (30 min) each day, and he would sleep in town.

Was I really that naïve, or was I just trying to protect my kids in case Lothar ended up coming back? I don’t even know.

That whole period was a blur after such a very intense 2008, and me being completely exhausted and in overwhelm mode. I just walked through it like fog.

Ultimately, though, I had put my foot down by telling him to leave then, and I felt very proud of myself.

Half a year or a year

During one of our discussions, (remember, there was nothing to discuss, he was going to move out, and that was it) he mentioned, that he had no idea how long it would take him to figure things out. He said maybe it would just be for half a year or a year. I remember distinctly that I looked into his eyes, and told him point blank ‘or FOREVER!!!’

I remember exactly how enraged I was. How could he do this to us? What did he think, that he could walk out of our lives, see whether the grass was greener, and then when – if it was convenient for him to move back – to expect everything would be the same, and to just pick up where we left?

Either he or I was mad. I had no other explanation for this.

Most of all, I could not get how he could do that to the kids. I would have never done so.

My daughter

While Horatio was probably too young to realise what was going on and was more a Mommy’s Boy anyway, and Mathew, as usual, did not show his emotions, and was, with his 12 years, probably already realising far too much, Catherine, my daughter, took it the hardest.

She cried herself to sleep every single evening. I sat with her and hugged her and rubbed her back, all while secretly cursing Lothar for doing this to our daughter. She was Daddy’s Girl, she was the princess, and she took our separation very very hard. She called her Daddy every evening and talked to him, and then she cried some more.

It was a very stressful time; it was a blur, but I was happy to have the kids – that I could be with them as they were giving my life a purpose and some stability. We all needed the stability of family and routine.

During one of my daughter’s phone calls with her dad, there was a woman’s voice in the background. My daughter was devastated.

Deep down, I knew it

Somehow I knew, deep down I knew, that Lothar was just testing some new grass. I had an idea of who his “new friend” might be. Soon enough, I got confirmation that it was one of my former colleagues.

It was ok. Actually, the break-up was very much ok, as I felt liberated. Still, I felt like a fool for believing his story.

But I was devastated when I found out that he’d signed a contract for his (or rather their) flat in November, well before he even told me he was moving out.

And it infuriated me to realise that he had been using me. He’d lied to me when he said he would go and look for a flat; he already had one, but it wasn’t available until the end of February.

The realization made me feel even better for having put my foot down!

Sitting in my living room

I was sitting in my living room sometime in April, and I just sat there and looked around. I looked at the pictures on the wall and said, ‘This is not me!’ I looked at the rugs on the floor and said, ‘This is NOT me!’ I looked at the bookshelves and said ‘This is not me!’ I looked at the furniture and said ‘This is not me!’

Then I looked around, and asked myself ‘What is me? Who am I? What do I like?’

It dawned on me that I had lost connection with Caroline. I had no idea what Caroline wanted or needed anymore.

I was so engaged with my life – with being a good wife and mother – that I had left myself behind somehow.

I had given myself up over the past 20 years for an idea of a family that was no more.

That moment I knew I had to focus on myself, while looking after my kids.

Embrace the difference eagerly

The following May, I met a man and we had a relationship for nearly 2 years. I fell in love and was happy that the parts worked with him, that hadn’t worked with Lothar. However, I know now that I was just eagerly embracing the fact that this new man was so completely different from Lothar, and I was awkwardly missing the good parts that I remembered from my marriage.

Different isn’t always better. ;-)

Learning A Lot

Of course, I learnt so much over the last 7 years, among them

Looking after myself
Doing things on my own
Moving
Letting go
It’s not my fault when the ex does not want to be engaged with his kids
Standing up for myself
Asking for help
Enjoying what I have
Smiling
Learning about myself

The last 7 years were not always easy, to say the least. I remember moments when I had no idea how to pay the bills, when my kids would come home from their dad’s completely overwhelmed and over tired, and I could just hug them.

I remember how my three kids and I grew to be a little family of our own.

I remember how the four of us bonded, the fun times we shared and the memories we made. I remember looking at this house we are currently living in (When Something is meant to be), and all the other decisions we made together.

We established new routines and new rituals. We created a way to celebrate Christmas. We just love each other’s company and also enjoy silent moments together.

My three kids became strong and independent teenagers. I am proud of them.

And yes, sometimes I am proud of myself for making this all possible.

We have come such a far way.

Over Christmas this year, I sat with my three children and I enjoyed it so much. I was very grateful, that I was able to be with my children 24/7/365 – that I have the opportunity to spend each Christmas, Easter, and every other celebration with them. How fortunate am I?

Realising I am the strong one

Recently I realised that I always was the strong one in my marriage, despite the fact that I gave myself up.

I had the backbone, and I realised, that weakness drove Lother to do what he did. Only a weak person needs to lie and deceive. Only a weak person would choose his new woman over his kids.

Despite all the emotional abuse I suffered (allowed to happen!), I know that the bullies, narcissist, and sociopaths of this world only behave that way out of an inner insecurity. (It doesn’t make it right!)

I could finally see Lothar for the insecure man he always was behind his well-played strong personality.

I had to laugh and cry.

I know I was always the strong one, not only because I held it all together, but also because I was there for my kids.

I was strong, too, because I kept my sensitivity. I kept my soul and I kept my love. I am still open and caring.

And I know the real value of life: happy memories with my kids, treasured outings with them, and just being together as a family. I’m content and happy – laughing with family and friends.

Coming back

I recently served my kids poached eggs for the first time in a very long time. We all loved them, and I had to smile, as poached eggs were a favorite of Lothar’s and I’d given them up after the separation. Now I have come back full circle, enjoying the things I enjoy, and also being Caroline.

I know poached eggs are just a symbol – like my car was a symbol (stepping into my own power) – as I opened up to many more things that I discarded after the separation.

And one thing I learnt was to celebrate New Year’s Eve EVERY Year, as it is a reminder of my liberation, of my starting point to reconnecting with Caroline.

To answer the questions from the beginning

Yes, now I am more the person I used to be as a teenager, before I met Lothar. I am strong and I can do my own thing. I stand up for myself. If something does not seem right, I ask.

Yes, I feel very true to myself now. I know I have passion and compassion, and feel very comfortable in my body and my being and my life.

Yes, I feel with Palmy Healing, that I have come to embrace my purpose and the fulfilling work I came here to do.

I am truly happy, joyful, and loving. I love myself more than ever, and I love being Mom to my three wonderful children more than ever, and I love assisting others in healing.

And who would have thought I could achieve all of that in only 7 years, in addition to going through a divorce! It’s awesome! I am proud of myself and my family and what my life has become.